Top 10 Kids in the Junkyard Crew, Ranked by Their Unique Social Hierarchy

Listen, kid. If you wanna join the crew, you’re gonna have to learn how we do things here in the junkyard.

10. Lowry 

• Man, fuck Lowry. This kid blows, and the rest of the crew knows it. He will kick and stomp your treasures pile and say “these things mean nothing.” But god forbid you touch his sword of bones, he will sink his meaty chompers into your arm so deep you will need a tetanus shot. 

9. Little Baby Bunny Boy

• Grunch’s little brother. He got his nickname after he rescued a bunny from the Hot Battery Pile. Completely mute and very emotionally intelligent– but emotional intelligence isn’t the skill to pay the bills in the junkyard. He also refuses to wield a weapon, which sinks his ranking astronomically. 

8. James 

• The new recruit. The crew found him setting a small fire inside an abandoned school bus and agreed to take him under their wing. He’s yet to have received a nickname from the crew since he hasn’t completed initiation. That comes after phase four, which is where you have to beat Splinter in Oil Spill¹ 

7. Asbestos Mike

• Mike got asbestos after Lowry trapped him in the Tin Shack for seven hours as punishment for cheating at Tires.² Sure, it’s not the most creative nickname of the bunch. But do you really think you’re gonna get asbestos and we’re not gonna call you “Asbestos Mike”?  Get real. 

6. Nuts

• Regularly eats nuts and bolts, but isn’t fast enough for his nickname to be “Bolts.” He’s had his stomach pumped fourteen times. But for him, it’s worth it to see the look on the crew’s faces when he’s able to ride the Big Magnet belly up because of all the scrap metal sloshing around in his stomach. 

5. Booky

• Named both for his ability to read books and his affinity for gambling.³ His skills are extremely valuable to the crew, but his ranking dropped after playing one too many unsanctioned tricks. He once purposely misread the instruction manual wrong for an industrial leaf blower causing a mushroom cloud type explosion in the junkyard. This turned Booky’s hair from golden blonde to a permanent shade of tar. 

4. Jacquard 

• The French kid who just showed up one day. He doesn’t always play by the rules, but he’s so god damn cool that the crew lets it slide. His nickname was supposed to be “Cigarettes” after he introduced the kids to cigarettes, but Jacquard refuses to be called anything other than Jacquard. God, he’s cool. 

3. Old Man Williams

• The groundskeeper of the junkyard, and unofficial member of the crew. He often recalls his childhood to the kids, and teaches them a thing or two along the way. He’s the inventor of the game Car Hammer, and holds the yard record for most hammers car-d.⁴ Operates the Big Magnet, which is as close to godliness as you can get in the Junkyard Crew. 

2. Grunch

• The muscle of the crew.  Named after the sound your head’s gonna make if you cross him. Do NOT call him “Crunch.” You WILL be relentlessly pummeled. He is Splinter’s right hand man, which he signifies by always holding Splinter’s right hand. Do NOT LAUGH at them holding hands. You WILL be relentlessly pummeled. 

1. Splinter

• The group’s undisputed leader. He has the only self-appointed nickname in the crew– if you ask him why he’s called Splinter he’ll give you a little shove. He’s like a father to these kids, even Old Man Williams once accidentally called him “dad.” The only way you could overthrow his leadership is if you total his earl gray Chevy Cavalier by crashing your own car into it. No one has ever tried. 

1. Oil Spill is where you pour a bunch of oil on the ground and use a car bumper to slide across the yard as fast as you can. Splinter’s best time is 1:37. Nearly unbeatable, and no one saw him do it in the first place. 

2. Tires is another game the junkyard kids invented. There’s only two rules: One, roll the tire as far as you can. Two, NO CHEATING. And after what happened to Mike, no one will ever cheat at Tires ever again.

3. Booky faciliates all bets on the junkyard games, which can be quite lucrative. The kids don’t have money, so they barter with copper wires and pipes. 

4. 28 hammers.

Cover image is Bob Byerley’s “The Junkyard Band.”